Posted by By J E SOLOMON
Over the past few months my cousin Philip and his wife Annie (not their real names) have been bickering and threatening separation from 18 years of marriage that has given them three boys and a girl – aged between 7 and 15.
Philip describes their relationship currently as simply unworkable and likely to end in separation. He alleges that decisions taken by both of them, and sometimes plans scheduled and mutually agreed on for particular dates were unilaterally ignored or changed at the whims of Annie with no regard to any inconvenience or unfavorable consequences to him.
As a result of what Philip perceives to be Annie’s inconsiderate attitude and self-serving interests, he has now adopted a carefree attitude and presently pays no serious attention to issues that matter to Annie in particular and, to some extent, the family in general.
Annie, on the other hand complains that Philip cares only about his own relatives, is selfish and completely oblivious to whatever is happening in the lives of his immediate family. Also, that he has been spending more time out these days.
With four children, all of them minors and entirely dependent on both parents, separation, to me should be completely out of the question. They need no one to tell them that “when two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.” The children ultimately will be the ones affected in an unwelcome divorce.
Literally speaking, there is no speed limit on the highway to divorce. You could choose the fast lane and race full speed to the destination without having a second thought. You could also go slowly in the first lane while pondering over a possible early exit and, maybe, decide to put separation on hold for a while. Or probably you might want to pull over to the side and do a serious rethinking about making a u-turn and forgetting about the idea altogether.
Whatever you do, the overall interests of the children must be supreme. It is important to recognize that, once you marry and have a child or children, your individual identity ceases giving way to a larger identity that embraces the all of the family as a unit. You also lose your cherished freedom once you choose to share your life with another person. It should then become a “we” kind of thing, and not a “me” issue. For an equation, I will say “75% We” and “25% Me”; anything, but 50-50.
This, however, does not suggest that a spouse should embrace or accept substandard especially with regard to the children’s upbringing. A reasonable level of high standard of academic performance and quality of life among the children should be encouraged, enforced and rewarded in order to enhance their own future wellbeing.
I have seen it in many broken marriages and I am convinced that any marriage in which there is an attitude of each-for-himself-and-God-for-us-all is definitely not going to stand the test of time. Individual and self-centered ambitions that do not meet collective aspirations; an inclination on the part of one or both to be secretive about certain dealings, and a tendency toward financial infidelity are all factors that can bring an otherwise healthy and once vibrant relationship from a rooftop all the way down to a basement.
Particularly, a relationship in which one or both partners are too proud to acknowledge mistakes and be willing to render sincere apology and be forgiven when necessary, but instead, will resort to needless argument and defense, denials or even outright lies to get out of upsetting situations is nothing but an indication of pride and egocentricity, pure and simple.
Marriage is a shared experience. Men and women are completely different and the key to staying committed is to identify and welcome those differences. Communication, therefore, is very vital. Relationship is all about understanding, sincerity, compromise, sacrifice, and above all a willingness to lose something you never wanted to lose – your pride.