Posted by By J E Solomon
Comedian and Radio host, Steve Harvey, appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday and
stated that “the number one reason why men cheat is because there are so many women out
there willing to cheat with them.”
Steve Harvey’s approach to straight talks is unique and admirable. He did a remarkable
job with his down-to-earth responses to questions from the all-women audience. However,
I think he missed the major reason why men cheat. To get to the bottom of why men cheat
we need to understand what really pushes some married men to engage in extra-marital
sex. And the answer is simple: they may be desperate for a bit of excitement to fill a
void in their marital relationships.
Several surveys have concluded that cheating husbands do so simply for fun and that
“their affairs are meaningless, not affecting their deep love for their wives.”
Susan Craig Bakos of “Playboy” and “Penthouse” magazines fame, perhaps the most
outspoken champion of female sexual empowerment and author of The Sex Bible and
The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans, among others, explained that “men are unfaithful
simply for sex, which is better, different or more fun than at home.”
The internationally recognized sex authority and research sexologist, said almost half
of the men she surveyed said they had tried extra-marital affair, and that their being
unfaithful did not presuppose they intended to leave their wives.
It is sad to say that men, for some reasons, are inclined to be adventurous or naughty in
their quests for sexual pleasures. And it matters not the age or position in society.
Let us cast our minds back to the numerous sex scandals that have plagued the US political
scene over the years. The most notable are the Eliot Spitzer (former NY Governor) affair
with a prostitute; Jim McGreevy (former NJ Governor) with the man he appointed to the
homeland security office; John Edwards, a two-time Democratic presidential candidate and
his extra-marital love-child; Roosevelt Dobbins (D-AR) who pleaded guilty to fondling a
teenager. Think of Larry Craig (R-ID) arrested on a charge of lewd conduct in a Minneapolis
airport men’s room in June 2007. There was the Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal, and Ken Calvet
(R-CA) reported to have had oral sex with a prostitute in a car.
Many distinguished ministers and priests have also been exposed in similar scandals that
have caused people to wonder what really led them to such demeaning stings. The list is almost
endless, but the above names should be enough to highlight the fact that these sexual escapades
were all a yearning towards adventure and excitement. Afterall the personalities involved all
had respectable wives at home.
I do not intend to justify men’s disloyalty to their wives, far from that. I detest such
double standards in marriage because they do not promote a healthy relationship. Infidelity
is the reason many marriages break up. The most important thing in any relationship is
trust, and a relationship devoid of trust is less likely to survive.
Women need to understand men as much as men need to understand women. Failure on the
part of women to appreciate what men are, and the reasons behind their idiosyncrasies,
has been the root cause of sex-related problems in most marital homes.
Men and women are different – physically and physiologically. They also differ in the
way they view sex. Whereas women generally equate sex with love, men on the other hand
see sex as a means of excitement. Just because a married man is dating another woman does
not necessarily mean he loves her more than the wife. Susan Craig Bakos and other researchers
have all concluded that men’s unfaithfulness is all for the sake of fun and excitement,
something invariably missing in a lot of marriages.
A married woman once complained to me about her husband’s obsession with sex. They had
been married for only two years at the time. To her, when sex becomes too frequent it
takes the excitement away and tend to demean the relationship. She had nurtured the idea
that sex was unspiritual and unholy. Of course, men don’t see it that way and, interestingly,
some women tend to be suspicious of men who are less frequently inclined toward
sex with their wives. Their fear is that there could be another woman out there.
Because of their physiological make up, women’s sex drive naturally fluctuates. There are
moments they don’t feel the desire for sex. For the generality of women, the urge for sex
is always strong half way between their cycles. It has been established that during
ovulation, women tend to have intense desire for sex than during the days prior to or
immediately after their cycle.
Unless seriously ill, or emotionally disturbed, a man’s sex drive hardly diminishes. Thus any
day can be his time of “ovulation”, so to speak. Therefore, to attempt to introduce a time-
table for romance to suit a wife’s personal sexual needs is likely to drive the husband out
into the waiting arms of a wife snatcher.
It is important that couples allow open discussion about their individual feelings on
matters relating to sexual pleasures. A honest approach to such issues, and a better
understanding of each other’s peculiar inclinations is very essential. Above all,
self-discipline and a sense of commitment must be cultivated if extra-marital relations
are to be avoided.